Saturday, April 24, 2010

In which Hypatia's Girl wakes up on the wrong side of the bed and contemplates whether or not Internet language is appropriate for the Internet.

(Are we still capitalizing "Internet," by the way?  I feel like we used to, but that maybe now we're over the whole ZOMG IT'S THE INTERNET kind of thing.  Someone call Strunk and White!)

I'm kind of unimpressed with this.  Kind of deeply unimpressed.

Look, this blog, she does not get a lot of comments.  A lot of that is that this blog, she is small, rarely updated (working on that) and I'm not totally certain how I want to develop it.  Now, I could post a bunch of meta-bullshit posts about finding my bloggy path and developing my interwebby tone, or I could recognize that I'm writing a fucking insignificant blog out in the hinterlands of blogspot, and, you know, just fuck around until I hit my stride.  This post (which will totes get interesting in just a minute) notwithstanding, allow me to assure you, 15 people on the internet (Internet?) who will read this one day, when in doubt I always go for the latter option.  For fuck's sake, I'm a philosopher, that's totally line one of my job description.

Anyway - comments - I don't get a lot of them . . . So I hadn't really had any hoops to jump through to comment on it.  In the same way as I don't really have a policy in my day-to-day life for what to do in case of shark attack.  And then, this morning, I wake up all cranky-pantsed and it's raining and some TOTES FOR REALZ FUCKING HELPFUL D00D CAN HAZ ANONYMOUS HANDY HINTS FOR THE BENEFIT OF MY LADYBRAYNE BUT CANNOT HAZ BALLS TO USE A NYM.  And now I'm all cranky-pantsed, and it's raining, and I'm deeply unimpressed with Anonymous Intarwebz D00d.  So now EVERYONE has to register to comment.  WAY TO BREAK THE TOY FOR EVERYONE.  Sheesh.

I mean for fuck's sake, the insane, anti-atheist, notorious internet troll Dav* Mab* can fucking have a name when posting crazy, vaguely anti-Semitic, death-threat laden, mass-produced comments.

Commenting under "anonymous" annoys me for two reasons, the first and most important, it removes the anonymous from the community.  I cannot respond to you by name or nym, and so I am addressing a blankness.  It's also fucking cowardly, and bespeaks a lack of imagination.  AID is probably relatively educated, and perhaps AID thinks that passive aggressive offers of helping my tone ARE REALLY FUCKING HELPFUL, but for seriously, why the fuck do you, who is simply a blank cipher, think that I should change one goddamn thing I do, because you think my using internet speak on the fucking internet makes me look bad.  For the fuck of shit, it's like saying "You know, Hypatia's Girl, using all that philosophical language in your philosophy paper makes you look pretentious."

And so, Anonymous Intarwebz D00d, allow me to devote the rest of this post to addressing YOUR ANONYMOUS HANDY HINTS FOR THE BENEFIT OF MY LADYBRAYNE.

Anonymous said... Justice Kennedy once relied on his own knowledge of human reproduction, psychology and constitutionally "protected" medical procedures and we got the opinion in Gonzales v. Carhart. Then people like you lambasted him for it!

But when you do it, it is okay! because your knowledge is far and clean the right knowledge to have! Nothing can be assumed. Nothing can be self-evident. Do some damn research. Write a post afterward. Stop using swear words and writing in internet slang. Totes makes you look bad. 
Had Anonymous Intarwebz D00d read the fucking post for comprehension, AID would have realized that
1. I feel safe in asserting, doing no research whatsoever, but rather relying on what I already know about human reproduction, psychology and constitutionally "protected" medical procedures, that the primary reason a woman would have an abortion is because she does not want to be pregnant, or to give birth, or to have a baby.
1.a. Therefore abortions happen because there are unwanted pregnancies.
is in fact something which one can fucking assertThat right there is fucking self-fucking-evident.  Let me write you a little dialogue.

Woman:  Oh fuck, my contraception failed and I'm outside the window for the effective use of emergency contraception.  I do not want to make a baby.  I have bodily integrity and self-awareness and am unwilling to give up control of my body.  What on earth will fix this problem.
Common Fucking Sense: An abortion?
Woman: Oh, fuck yeah.  Too bad America doesn't give a fuck about women as people and is trying to make something that is this straight forward really hard because d00ds hate women's sexuality.
and scene.

Scene Two:
Woman-as-imagined-by-fucking-misogynist-d00ds: Oh my heavens! I am both a filthy slut who tricks men in to sacrificing their ALL IMPORTANT VIRGINITY to me and am apparently too stupid to be able to UNDERSTAND WHAT HAPPENS TO MY BODY AND HAVE A SAY IN IT.   I'm bored this weekend, what shall I do?
Other-W-A-I-B-F-M-D: Hey Woman 1 - I'm knocked up and really excited about making that baby, want to go get an abortion with me?
Woman 1: Sure! Let me run out and get knocked up first, because nothing says fun, FUN, FUN, like having your uterus scraped out!
and scene.

Do I really need to do fucking research to figure out that the second dialogue has never once happened in the history of fucking ever?  Are you, AID, so fucking lacking in basic empathy that the question, why would a woman get an abortion is actually fucking hard?  Because, my dear, allow me to explain to you that it's not, in fact, hard.

As for the second helping of your D00DLY WORDS OF ADVICE FOR FEMINIST BABY BLOGGERS, fuck the tone argument in it's ear.  I write serious and weighty academic papers filled with arcane and specific language and sentences that are a late-19th-Century-German-Philosopher's wet fucking dream.  Lotta people are gonna read that.  True story.  I swear and use intarweb speak because it amuses me.  Which, funnily enough is both why I write this blog and why I read other people's blogs.  Blogs written by other people that do not amuse me I do not read.  I also, funnily enough, do not leave anonymous comments on those blogs being a fucking condescending asshole who obviously cannot read for comprehension.  Because, frankly, it does not amuse me and I am not such a fucking coward that I wouldn't put my internet identity on the line for a blog comment.

Also, and I really cannot get over this point, I am un-fucking-certain as to how using internet-speak ON THE FUCKING INTERNET IN A FORUM THAT WAS MADE POSSIBLE BY THE INTERNET makes me look totes bad?

Perhaps Anonymous Intarwebz D00d would like to explain how that works?

1 comment:

  1. Nope, Karen, he totes wouldn't. Anonymous douche bags prefer to stay anonymous. This is why papers, magazines and journals who choose to have a blog force their readers to be registered to comment. They do not have to be accountable. They do not have to find "facts" from legitimate sources. They can literally say whatever the heck they choose. If said "dood" would like to have a spine, I will be dually impressed. However, I would not anticipate one. Maybe if anonymous dood has a blog himself, he would further identify himself by leaving a blog address, so that we might be allowed to leave him comments on his douche baggery. Or his absolute genius, because after all he COULD be a genius, we'll never KNOW because of his lack of leaving a name for himself.